I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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