You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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