omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
MIDGETS
????
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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