I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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