Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
