I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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