my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
