I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
