is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My penis needs a shock collar
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize