I wish I only lived at night.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
