I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
