I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
