I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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