so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
