Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
