Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
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Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
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I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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