In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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