my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
The uberlube is also flammable
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
