o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
im holly from the hills drunk
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Dicks are not precious.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
