I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
