I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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