The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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