Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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