just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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