You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
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