I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
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She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
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I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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