two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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