I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
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They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
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Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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