I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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