when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I think a kid would responsible me up
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
