So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Let's get the cat blown out
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
