i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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