she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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