So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
