That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
