it's not cheating when I paid for it
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived