I cannot find my penis.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst