i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
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my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
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I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?