if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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