You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
