can we get nightvision for the apartment?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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