We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
