Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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