i need an iv and a liver transplant
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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