I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
