i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
