The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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