The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
