Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
