I wish I could punch you in the face.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Are we still banned from the library?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
