You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i drank out of a bidet.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Randomize
