If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Houston, we have a squirter
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
