The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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