I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
